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x_losNacilmiel asked if Missourians found Branson as disturbing as she, a New Yorker, did. I posted this as an answer to her query.
Branson Missouri is often called the country music capital of the world, having underhandedly stolen Nashville’s former claim to fame. This disgusting city is the home of Dolly Pardon, Jennifer in the Morning, Donny Osmond and their evil ilk. There are all you can eat home-style buffets, gilded troughs to fatten up already over large tourists. Branson is filled with mini-golf courts, bumper boats, and monolithic theatres for washed up, unsuccessful country songsters. The sappily named ‘Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree’ Auditorium’s only purpose is to be a backdrop for the unnecessary crooning of a man who looks like a dead muskrat has been installed on his head in place of his thinning hair. I have seen people enter this palace of auditory pain, oh so gullibly paying up to forty hard earned dollars to listen to this strange individual, never even sensing the terrible conspiracy they have fallen prey to. Yes, I see them enter the town of Branson and these gaudy, wedding-cake like theatres, but I do not see them leave. The torrid town is a trashier, more hick-filled Las Vegas and is a den of sin.
The citizens are gnarly toothed, wearing ugly, dirty clothing over their grotesquely obese, unwashed bodies. This clothing is decorated with NASCAR and Hooters iconography, implicitly demeaning the environment and women. The dress is generally scanty and tight, though the wearers of the clothing would be much better off in most cases to take up the concealing burkah for aesthetic reasons. Due to being close to the Arkansas border, incest is rampant, and the citizens of, as well as many visitors to, Branson consequently have four arms, six eyes, and zero brains. They are mutant zombies, foaming at the mouth and consuming Yankees for food. They swarm in large packs from their rural homes to mass in Branson to plot their horrendous and ravenous takeover of the rest of America.
The acoustic guitars used by country music superstars in Branson are not as folksy and innocent as they may seem. Every twangy strum releases spores into the unsuspecting audience. These spores bore into the minds of hicks in order to consolidate the evil plan through centralizing control as well as hapless non-hick listeners who have come to Branson for a misguided cultural immersion, depriving them of reason, vestigial taste, and remnants of decent dress sense. The spores travel back on the now too revealing clothing of people who have been to Branson, infecting whole cities. Suddenly whole towns’ morph. NPR is turned off in favor of country stations. Banana Republic goes out of business while Wal-Mart superstores blossom and become the dominant retailer for almost every product imaginable. Americana restaurants are all replaced with McDonalds and ethnic establishments now uniformly serve deep fried chicken. Cultural identities are lost as formerly sovereign cities morph into carbon copies of the hideous montage of classlessness and backwardness that is characteristic of Branson.
The spores will soon infect the rest of the Western World. Europe will declare horrible, bloody war on us because their precious culture has been polluted, even bastardized, by what I must call the Branson Death. Only Asian nations are immune to the threat because an enzyme in rice protects them if consumed in liberal amounts after a long period of time. If Branson Missouri is not razed to the ground, the Free World will be Bransonized, and will be no match for the Chinese, who, in a fit of extremely justified immense irritation, will take over the world just to stop Bransonized fools from broadcasting country music aggressively over every satellite over the whole of the world.
Once the Chinese rule the world, will you regret, in your feeble-minded Bransonized state, not having considered the horrible threat presented by Branson more seriously? Will you be able to sleep at night if you know that you and your children and your children’s children will live as Bransonized automatons if you do nothing to halt this threat? I’ll agree that razing Branson is an extreme measure, but it must be done to ensure the continuation of the world’s individual ways of life.
What can you do to stop this menace? You can practice a policy of zero tolerance for country music and Branson Missouri now that your eyes have been opened to the truth. Zero tolerance includes the burning of country music CD’s and tapes, the destruction of all radio stations and infomercials concerning it, and the interminable incarceration of Garth Brooks. While the final solution for Branson is obviously containment and reeducation, if it is indeed possible, of Bransonians, we must proceed slowly. I know you ache to go in and rid yourselves of the threat immediately with all due violence, but contain your righteous rage. After adopting a policy of zero tolerance, it is necessary to build a 30,000 foot wall around not just Branson, but a large chuck of southeast Missouri and northwest Arkansas. The contaminated area will include the so called Family Fun destination of Silver Dollar City, which is actually run by insane Christian fundamentalists who drink the blood of unfortunate Amish during communion. I see their capture as a bonus. With the wall in place, we’ll be able to see what Dolly Pardon’s bosom is really composed of after a few years study due to the lack of area plastic surgeons necessary to do maintenance on her.
Once we’ve built the wall, we’ll have to supply all citizens of the south and Midwest with earplugs to protect themselves from incidences of rouge guerilla musicians attempting to control their minds with country music. The threat of Branson will have been contained, but the War on Bransonishness can never end. We must remain ever vigilant against country music, horrible revealing clothing with NASCAR logos, the word ‘ya’ll’ and truly disgustingly gaudy architecture. For the strength and cultural superiority of the world, fight on brother and sisters in the battle to restore America’s pride, fight on to glory!
Branson Missouri is often called the country music capital of the world, having underhandedly stolen Nashville’s former claim to fame. This disgusting city is the home of Dolly Pardon, Jennifer in the Morning, Donny Osmond and their evil ilk. There are all you can eat home-style buffets, gilded troughs to fatten up already over large tourists. Branson is filled with mini-golf courts, bumper boats, and monolithic theatres for washed up, unsuccessful country songsters. The sappily named ‘Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree’ Auditorium’s only purpose is to be a backdrop for the unnecessary crooning of a man who looks like a dead muskrat has been installed on his head in place of his thinning hair. I have seen people enter this palace of auditory pain, oh so gullibly paying up to forty hard earned dollars to listen to this strange individual, never even sensing the terrible conspiracy they have fallen prey to. Yes, I see them enter the town of Branson and these gaudy, wedding-cake like theatres, but I do not see them leave. The torrid town is a trashier, more hick-filled Las Vegas and is a den of sin.
The citizens are gnarly toothed, wearing ugly, dirty clothing over their grotesquely obese, unwashed bodies. This clothing is decorated with NASCAR and Hooters iconography, implicitly demeaning the environment and women. The dress is generally scanty and tight, though the wearers of the clothing would be much better off in most cases to take up the concealing burkah for aesthetic reasons. Due to being close to the Arkansas border, incest is rampant, and the citizens of, as well as many visitors to, Branson consequently have four arms, six eyes, and zero brains. They are mutant zombies, foaming at the mouth and consuming Yankees for food. They swarm in large packs from their rural homes to mass in Branson to plot their horrendous and ravenous takeover of the rest of America.
The acoustic guitars used by country music superstars in Branson are not as folksy and innocent as they may seem. Every twangy strum releases spores into the unsuspecting audience. These spores bore into the minds of hicks in order to consolidate the evil plan through centralizing control as well as hapless non-hick listeners who have come to Branson for a misguided cultural immersion, depriving them of reason, vestigial taste, and remnants of decent dress sense. The spores travel back on the now too revealing clothing of people who have been to Branson, infecting whole cities. Suddenly whole towns’ morph. NPR is turned off in favor of country stations. Banana Republic goes out of business while Wal-Mart superstores blossom and become the dominant retailer for almost every product imaginable. Americana restaurants are all replaced with McDonalds and ethnic establishments now uniformly serve deep fried chicken. Cultural identities are lost as formerly sovereign cities morph into carbon copies of the hideous montage of classlessness and backwardness that is characteristic of Branson.
The spores will soon infect the rest of the Western World. Europe will declare horrible, bloody war on us because their precious culture has been polluted, even bastardized, by what I must call the Branson Death. Only Asian nations are immune to the threat because an enzyme in rice protects them if consumed in liberal amounts after a long period of time. If Branson Missouri is not razed to the ground, the Free World will be Bransonized, and will be no match for the Chinese, who, in a fit of extremely justified immense irritation, will take over the world just to stop Bransonized fools from broadcasting country music aggressively over every satellite over the whole of the world.
Once the Chinese rule the world, will you regret, in your feeble-minded Bransonized state, not having considered the horrible threat presented by Branson more seriously? Will you be able to sleep at night if you know that you and your children and your children’s children will live as Bransonized automatons if you do nothing to halt this threat? I’ll agree that razing Branson is an extreme measure, but it must be done to ensure the continuation of the world’s individual ways of life.
What can you do to stop this menace? You can practice a policy of zero tolerance for country music and Branson Missouri now that your eyes have been opened to the truth. Zero tolerance includes the burning of country music CD’s and tapes, the destruction of all radio stations and infomercials concerning it, and the interminable incarceration of Garth Brooks. While the final solution for Branson is obviously containment and reeducation, if it is indeed possible, of Bransonians, we must proceed slowly. I know you ache to go in and rid yourselves of the threat immediately with all due violence, but contain your righteous rage. After adopting a policy of zero tolerance, it is necessary to build a 30,000 foot wall around not just Branson, but a large chuck of southeast Missouri and northwest Arkansas. The contaminated area will include the so called Family Fun destination of Silver Dollar City, which is actually run by insane Christian fundamentalists who drink the blood of unfortunate Amish during communion. I see their capture as a bonus. With the wall in place, we’ll be able to see what Dolly Pardon’s bosom is really composed of after a few years study due to the lack of area plastic surgeons necessary to do maintenance on her.
Once we’ve built the wall, we’ll have to supply all citizens of the south and Midwest with earplugs to protect themselves from incidences of rouge guerilla musicians attempting to control their minds with country music. The threat of Branson will have been contained, but the War on Bransonishness can never end. We must remain ever vigilant against country music, horrible revealing clothing with NASCAR logos, the word ‘ya’ll’ and truly disgustingly gaudy architecture. For the strength and cultural superiority of the world, fight on brother and sisters in the battle to restore America’s pride, fight on to glory!
