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x_losI finished the final draft of this for English, and thought it might somewhat amuse my vast legions of readers. All six of them.
A Pirate’s Guide to Admission to Top Notch East Coast Colleges
Argh, so ye wish t’ hang yer tri-corner and munitions at Harvard, do ye? The path to this treasure be long and arduous, mateys, but none so much as the time I wrestled fifteen sharks and no less than 57 infuriated tentacles of a creature of the deep to get my hands on a bit o’ booty I’d been a’ lustin’ after.
To start, ye must compile an impressive GPA. Contrary to me initial belief, this be not in fact short fer General Pirateering Authority, the convention by which ye claim a patch o’ the waters fer yer own personal plunderin’. Aye, this be a far more delicate and sinister thing. Rather than gainin’ one’s learnin’ swabbing th’ deck afore advancing to readyin’ the sails, castin’ anchor and mannin’ the helm, a man be required to attend no less than four years o’ strictly regimented public education.
This weighs most heavy on a pirate’s free soul, me lads and lassies, most surely it does. For there be no fair winds in the math wing, no fresh tang of salt breezes in your English room, and the Administration allows none of the public displays of affection in them thar halls that come so naturally to the heart of yer average lusty pirate. Nay, thar be only the crisp touch o’ paper. The booty be chased after while remainin’ standin’ stock still in a small chair as comfortless as the stiff, unwashed hammocks in the hull o’ ye basic galley. Aye, but the treasure be great indeed. Fer if ye do gain entrance into one o’ them fine colleges, yer earning potential be increased beyond the wildest dreams o’ even the most successful pirate or privateer.
Many a time have me n’ me mateys rued the day we dropped out of Harvard Law School, mightily afeered o’ the bar, heads full up o’ dreams and plans o’ seekin’ illicitly gained wealth on the open seas rather than the court room. Foolish, we were, fer if we had stayed on a bit and not grown to love our pirate ways, we might even now be enjoyin’ our trust funds and skirmishin’ with fellow men o’ the law, who be crafty as any pirate captains, instead o’ fleein’ the Royal Navy’s pursuing hounds n’ sufferin’ terribly on account o’ scurvy.
Aye, mateys, but this be not to the point ye were after! Be fully prepared to cut throats, bribe and threaten in order to achieve grades as befits admission to them halls o’ learnin’. Unruly teachers should be no opposition to ye, fer yer pirate’s reputation and the overpowerin’ stench of yer whiskey-laden breath alone should cause any sensible educator to bow to yer whims! Should ye need to cheat, force at gun or pistol-point the cooperation of another student in yer pursuit of higher learnin’. Remember, it be not the accumulation o’ the information in ye own mind that matters, merely that you get in to yer desired college. There ye may learn not only the complex analytical geometry involved in hoistin’ the mainstay, but also more n’ better ways o’ cheatin’ the decent wage earner out o’ his salary. Ye may choose to enter into Big Business, or lawyerin’ as I once did, but whatever yer prospect a degree from one of these shall prove most profitable.
After garnishin’ yer G.P.A., ye must participate in activities. Whoring and drabbling be not among those recommended, but care of unlucky parrots at yer local Humane Society be an excellent way to both maintain ye pirate nature and improve ye resume. Ye might also join rowing, if ye misses the movement o’ water under ye vessel. Debate is an option fer those wi’ a natural gift o’ especially overpowerein’ breath, as this may eliminate or at least intimidate yer opponents before ye utter a word.
All in all, it be not hard for any pirate to gain admission into th’ finest colleges o’ scurvy-ridden bookworms in’ all the land. Take it from this scabby old sea dog, mateys- yer guile and cunning may be called upon in a manner most strenuous in order to attain this booty, but the riches it grants be most pleasin’ and worth the trouble.
A Pirate’s Guide to Admission to Top Notch East Coast Colleges
Argh, so ye wish t’ hang yer tri-corner and munitions at Harvard, do ye? The path to this treasure be long and arduous, mateys, but none so much as the time I wrestled fifteen sharks and no less than 57 infuriated tentacles of a creature of the deep to get my hands on a bit o’ booty I’d been a’ lustin’ after.
To start, ye must compile an impressive GPA. Contrary to me initial belief, this be not in fact short fer General Pirateering Authority, the convention by which ye claim a patch o’ the waters fer yer own personal plunderin’. Aye, this be a far more delicate and sinister thing. Rather than gainin’ one’s learnin’ swabbing th’ deck afore advancing to readyin’ the sails, castin’ anchor and mannin’ the helm, a man be required to attend no less than four years o’ strictly regimented public education.
This weighs most heavy on a pirate’s free soul, me lads and lassies, most surely it does. For there be no fair winds in the math wing, no fresh tang of salt breezes in your English room, and the Administration allows none of the public displays of affection in them thar halls that come so naturally to the heart of yer average lusty pirate. Nay, thar be only the crisp touch o’ paper. The booty be chased after while remainin’ standin’ stock still in a small chair as comfortless as the stiff, unwashed hammocks in the hull o’ ye basic galley. Aye, but the treasure be great indeed. Fer if ye do gain entrance into one o’ them fine colleges, yer earning potential be increased beyond the wildest dreams o’ even the most successful pirate or privateer.
Many a time have me n’ me mateys rued the day we dropped out of Harvard Law School, mightily afeered o’ the bar, heads full up o’ dreams and plans o’ seekin’ illicitly gained wealth on the open seas rather than the court room. Foolish, we were, fer if we had stayed on a bit and not grown to love our pirate ways, we might even now be enjoyin’ our trust funds and skirmishin’ with fellow men o’ the law, who be crafty as any pirate captains, instead o’ fleein’ the Royal Navy’s pursuing hounds n’ sufferin’ terribly on account o’ scurvy.
Aye, mateys, but this be not to the point ye were after! Be fully prepared to cut throats, bribe and threaten in order to achieve grades as befits admission to them halls o’ learnin’. Unruly teachers should be no opposition to ye, fer yer pirate’s reputation and the overpowerin’ stench of yer whiskey-laden breath alone should cause any sensible educator to bow to yer whims! Should ye need to cheat, force at gun or pistol-point the cooperation of another student in yer pursuit of higher learnin’. Remember, it be not the accumulation o’ the information in ye own mind that matters, merely that you get in to yer desired college. There ye may learn not only the complex analytical geometry involved in hoistin’ the mainstay, but also more n’ better ways o’ cheatin’ the decent wage earner out o’ his salary. Ye may choose to enter into Big Business, or lawyerin’ as I once did, but whatever yer prospect a degree from one of these shall prove most profitable.
After garnishin’ yer G.P.A., ye must participate in activities. Whoring and drabbling be not among those recommended, but care of unlucky parrots at yer local Humane Society be an excellent way to both maintain ye pirate nature and improve ye resume. Ye might also join rowing, if ye misses the movement o’ water under ye vessel. Debate is an option fer those wi’ a natural gift o’ especially overpowerein’ breath, as this may eliminate or at least intimidate yer opponents before ye utter a word.
All in all, it be not hard for any pirate to gain admission into th’ finest colleges o’ scurvy-ridden bookworms in’ all the land. Take it from this scabby old sea dog, mateys- yer guile and cunning may be called upon in a manner most strenuous in order to attain this booty, but the riches it grants be most pleasin’ and worth the trouble.
