Therapy Break-Up

[x_los]

Had a weird therapy session.

Several months ago my therapist says, 'I don't have a waiting room, so don't come like 10 minutes early because depending on the day, I might be with another client.' So I say, 'ok, cool, sorry I rang too early, my phone was dead and I guessed at the time.' Since then, I've been ringing the bell for my 4pm appointment at like, 3:57. Today she goes, 'I need you not to ring early.' I say 'oh, sorry, I thought you meant--not like ten minutes early. I'll ring at 4 on the dot in future.' But she says 'no let's talk a lot about what it MEANS that you're pushing boundaries by always ringing a couple minutes ahead of schedule.'

I was kind of bemused. I have to travel an hour and a half across town and so I somedays end up like waiting in the park when it's cold for a quarter of an hour. Most medical appointments want you to come a few minutes early. (I just thought it showed you were respecting the person's time and were serious about the work?) And I'd already told her, 'now that I see clearly what you want I will not do that again.' I'm not trying to pull a power-play or to scam 3 minutes' free therapy out of her?

But she just kept on and on about this, 'oh are you angry I've established that boundary?' On previous occasions she's gone 'oh are you mad at me??' and seemed almost to be trying to provoke a conflict, and I've found that uncomfortable and wondered why she was doing it. Today I said, 'well, any time someone even mildly tells you off you're embarrassed and slightly annoyed with them or with yourself and it takes a little bit to talk yourself out of being cross, but I don't think your request is unreasonable, and I will abide by it.'

But she wouldn't let up at all, just kept harping on this, and pushed me into this anxious fit regarding having fucked up? REALLY uncomfortable, like, nearly crying bad. And I was thinking--I REALLY don't trust this person, or want to talk to her about serious shit. I don't feel safe. She's put me hugely on edge at the very start of the session; I feel defensive and relentlessly poked.

I think she's been feeling frustrated that I don't know how to give her what she wants and am kind of emotionally restrained, and was thought this anxiety spike was therapeutically revealing. Then afterwards she was very 'uwu, take care of yourself--' which I found kind of patronising and bewildering.

I GET that therapy will OFTEN be difficult, but I've been struggling to grasp what this person wants for a couple months now, and I'm not sure this is a productive difficulty as opposed to... deliberately provoking an anxiety spat when I'm already sick for anxiety related reasons? I'll think about it over the weekend, but at the moment it's hard to want to go back. I feel very awkward about being so upset about something quite minor! But while I felt the request itself was a little weird, it's the way she dealt with it that weirded me out. I don't like playing odd guessing-games about keeping people with power over me and vague expectations happy, and then I really don't like being provoked into a panicked reaction to... what, make a point? What was the point?

Also today she said 'oh I was actually in a meeting today when you rang', and I thought '....... homie you schedule meetings running up to like, 4 minutes before regular scheduled weekly sessions start?' And a couple sessions ago she said, 'what does it MEAN that you rang the bell twice?' and I honestly just thought I hadn't pressed it right, because my own doorbell sucks sometimes? I don't always hear it?

I wouldn't really feel morally bad about switching providers, I'd just worry that the therapy is working as intended and I'm not being open enough to it or something. That I'm not giving the work a fair chance, and will have similar difficulties when anything gets hard.

Comments

[james]

So like, am a network stranger but I've done therapy and if you don't like or trust your therapist then they are not right for you. It isn't about "doing therapy right" it's about finding the therapist you want to work with. Finding a new therapist is like auditioning and interviewing people for a job - check out a few people and find who you like best.

That therapist sounds very controlling and judgemental and as a total stranger I would advise you to never see them again. :-)

[x_los]

Mm, that's a fair point re 'doing it right', like, it's a relationship/two way street not a test I have to pass. And I did find that timekeeping business quite petty and controlling.

[momijizukamori]

Honestly, having been through a through therapists because of moves/changing insurance, and having had one really good one, and a bunch of ones that are like, various shades of decent enough, your therapist sounds like a nightmare and I personally would probably ghost them immediately. Like even if this was a valid therapeutic technique (debatable) it is clearly not working for you, and also the idea of having no break at all between meetings is just buckwild.

[x_los]

Yeah it really surprised me that she seems not to be planning in buffer time?

[momijizukamori]

Yeah, my therapist does 45min appointments in one hour blocks so she has 15min between people so she has buffer.

[kiezh]

I once ditched a therapist for constantly harping on a topic I told her was NOT the problem I wanted to talk about. It's very weird and unprofessional behavior on her part, to dominate your sessions with her own issues about timekeeping and try to... narrate your emotions? Whatever that was.

I vote you ditch this one and find one who listens to you and doesn't impute weird motives to your actions. Not that I have a vote, being an internet stranger. But "this person feels unsafe" is a dealbreaker for a therapist if anything is, I think.

[x_los]

Yeah I really felt that LEADING the session with that and not letting us move on with an agreement to do as she asked was Not The Way, it made the whole session uncomfortable and not useful to me.

[camobscura]

Speaking as someone who has never gone through therapy... It sounds like she feels the only therapy "break-throughs" come when the client loses their shit in front of her (or some such) and she's trying to provoke you. Maybe she's watched too many telly shows about therapists? If you wanted to talk to Dr. Phil, you coulda stayed in the States.

But seriously, she's picking a fight about how you ring the bell, because she's failed to provoke a massive reaction by chiding you about when you arrive? Dah fuq? Yeah, not someone I'd want to help me deal with anxiety. (Or even anger-management.) Fire this bitch, pronto.

[x_los]

I bet therapists get frustrated and NEEDLE when they think they've landed on something useful, but it's not necessarily the best way to go about this, no.

[rionaleonhart]

Other people have already expressed this more articulately, so I just want to bolster the message that it's okay to leave! The therapist is treating you badly, and you don't need to be open to that.

[x_los]

Yeah, it's not behaviour I'd think was cool from another medical professional or service provider.